Graduation

Tomorrow, I will graduate from law school. When I began law school, I admittedly had no idea what I was doing or what I had gotten myself into. I knew that it would be tough, but I did not realize that it would change the way I looked at the world, the way I thought, and the way I engaged with others.

Along the way, I read more books and cases and statutes than I ever thought possible. Certain semesters, I spent 14 hour days at school. About once a year, I had horrible moments when I doubted everything about myself and didn't think that I was smart enough to be at law school. I met other people who also want to be lawyers, some of whom will be very bad lawyers, and some of whom will be very good and honest lawyers. Some of those in the latter category became my dearest friends, who I consider to be family and understand me in a way that few people do.

Most importantly, I found myself at law school, and finding myself meant that I know what type of lawyer I want to be, even though job prospects are currently few and far between for my colleagues and myself. I will be hardworking and advocate zealously for my clients, no matter if that client is a multi-million dollar corporation or a single person. I will not be consumed by a need to make money, but instead a need to feel that I am making someone else's life better and to be content with my career. I will be ethical and remember that legal decisions impact real human lives and I must always be able to sleep with myself at night.

I should feel pretty good about myself and about my graduation tomorrow. Instead, I'm weepy and edgy. I don't want to have to put on a cap and gown and hood and smile. I don't want to pose for photographs. I don't want to be involved a ceremony or sit with my fellow graduates or be handed a piece of paper. But mostly, I don't want to look up in the audience only to find that the person I want to be at my graduation the most isn't there, knowing that he should be.

And when I say "should be," I mean that in the literal sense, because Shane would be home from Afghanistan right now. And his leave time would have started. And he would have been sitting in the audience and I would have been able to find him in a sea of faces. And once I had found him I would have waved frantically, and mouthed "Hi, buddy," and grinned like an idiot. And he would've smiled and shaken him head slightly at how goofy I looked and waved back.

The last contact that I ever had with Shane was a text message that I received on November 5, 2010, at 9:33 p.m. my time:


Hey found out we're all supposed to leave here no later than April 18. My leave starts may 13! Love you. Gonna sleep after guard sooo tired

I responded:

That's awesome, buddy! I think I graduate that day! Love you so much! Sweet dreams.

Shane was in an area that's eight or eight and half hours ahead of my time. Meaning he sent that message at either 5:33 or 6:03 a.m. on November 6, 2010. I know now that he didn't go to sleep, even though he was so tired. I'll never know why, and I'll always be a little bit sore at him for not just going to sleep. Instead, as I read later in reports, he went to the gym, and then he became involved in a firefight, during which he was killed.

Within an hour of sending me that message, he was killed. Of course, I didn't find out until the middle of the afternoon my time on November 6, 2010, that Shane had been killed. So I had half a day where I thought that my brother was going to be home for my graduation. Ever since he left for Afghanistan, I had it in my mind that he wouldn't be there. But that half a day of knowing that he would be at the ceremony has made the last week and the upcoming tomorrow torturous for me.

So tomorrow will be tough. I won't be happy like I should be. I might get weepy. But I will go and I will put on a cap and gown and hood and smile. And I will pose for photographs. And I will be involved a ceremony and sit with my fellow graduates and be handed a piece of paper. And I will probably still look up in the audience, knowing that he won't be there but having to look anyways, just in case, for the person I want to be at my graduation the most, not being able to find him, knowing that he should be there. 

Sometimes it amazes me how much Shane can still be at the forefront of my thoughts when I have so many other things on my mind. When Shane first died, I wondered if he would fade from my memory with time. So far, he hasn't. It's been less than 6 months since he was killed, so maybe eventually his memory will fade. But there are so many times that I catch myself thinking that he's still alive. I hear a song and think how I need to tell him about it. I remember something silly from our childhood and want to recollect with him. I'm feeling really anxious and want him to talk to me to remind me to calm down and that everything is okay. And then I'll remember how I can't do any of those things and I feel pained.

One Year Ago...

Spring Break! Spring Break is usually a time of revitalizing my weary soul. Last year I traveled to Fort Campbell and Nashville. I traveled by myself – the first time ever! I was going to have a mini vacation with Shane before he deployed in May. We all took separate turns – Beth, then me, and then Kurt to visit Shane before he left for Afghanistan. Shane did not want us to watch him actually leave, so we each spent time with Shane before that day in May.

Driving to Fort Campbell I witnessed spring opening up before my very eyes. The drive soothed my soul as I watched green leaves appear on trees and flowers blooming along the roads.

The first night we stayed near Fort Campbell and Shane showed me around the area. I got to see a part of his life that I knew so little about. Then the next two nights we went to Nashville. This was my first visit to Nashville, and I fell in love with the town. Music was always so important to Shane, and we experienced so much music. We talked about everything under the sun. We laughed and shed a few tears because I vowed to be strong.

On Sunday I needed to return home because school was on Monday. I remember checking out of the hotel, and Shane and I each got into our cars. I remember I was in front and he was right behind me. I remember leaving the parking structure with Shane in my rear view mirror. I remember going down the street to the stop sign. I remember having to turn left. I remember Shane having to turn right. I remember watching Shane in my rear view mirror going further and further away. And then I could no longer contain my tears.

Today we went to the cemetery – it is a beautiful setting. Usually I watch the deer and the geese around the lake, but today the deer must have been napping. And then I remembered my life a year ago.

Today, in my rear view mirror, I watched Shane’s headstone getting further and further away. How different my life is today. One year ago – so much has changed…

I will cherish the memories that Shane gave each of us. I will take the “gifts” he gave me and continue to strive to do my best on each given day. I will continue to “put one foot in front of the other.”

Always and forever,

Shane’s mammy and Beth’s momma

Being Strong

Today, I choose to be strong instead of weak. I choose to get out of bed, to shower, to be a functioning human being. It would be great to take the day off of life -- have a personal day. This would be weak and slightly pathetic. And I refuse to be pathetic. Yes, today will be tough. But Shane was a strong person and so am I. And I will continue to be strong in his absence.

"I'm still willing to continue living with the burden of this memory. Even though this is a painful memory, even though this memory makes my heart ache. Sometimes I almost want to ask God to let me forget this memory. But as long as I try to be strong and not run away, doing my best, there will finally be someday...there will be finally be someday I can overcome this painful memory. I believe I can. I believe I can do it. There is no memory that can be forgotten, there is not that kind of memory. Always in my heart."

-- Natsuki Takaya

"I thought this wouldn't hurt a lot, I guess not"

Shane and I are driving in the car somewhere. I am driving, like always, because Shane doesn't like to drive. He is sitting in the passenger seat. I declare that it's my turn to pick some music. 


I put on one of my favorite songs, "Kids" by MGMT. Shane has never heard this song, as far as I am aware. At the time, I've never heard the song played on the radio. 


The first 15 seconds or so of the song play. I'm nervous for Shane's opinion because I'm sharing a song that means something to me.


"What is this? More of your terrible world music?"


My heart sinks. 


"Oh, come on! This is my favorite song. It's good! It's MGMT! And it's not world music."

"I don't know; I think it's more of your world music that you try to get me to listen to."


"Fine you don't have to like it but I'm listening to the whole song."


Shane had hurt my feelings without knowing that he had done so. Granted, I didn't write or perform the song. But it really meant something to me and I wanted the song to mean something to Shane, too. It was the sort of song that I could listen to while laying in the grass on a sunny day, looking at clouds and thinking about absolutely nothing.

*          *          *          *          *

I find myself in the car again. I am driving alone, like always. Well over a year has past since Shane and I listened to "Kids" in the car.

I had grabbed Shane's ipod off of the table before I left the house and I'm listening to that on shuffle. Some of the songs are familiar. Some I've never heard. Some are too violent. Some make me too sad. There's a lot of skipping around while I'm driving. A few songs have played, but nothing of note, and I'm on the expressway. A familiar intro comes on, one with the sound of children's voices, and my eyes immediately well up to the point that a normal person might consider pulling over. But I've gotten so used to crying in the car that it seems almost unnatural to not cry. The song is "Kids," by MGMT. A song that Shane called my "terrible world music." And it's on Shane's ipod.

What does this mean, I ask myself. Why is it on Shane's ipod? Did he like the song? Why would it be on his ipod if he didn't like it?

I'll never get the answers to any of my questions. I'll never know why Shane had "Kids" on his ipod. I know that he purchased the song -- the entire album it's on, actually -- but that's all I know. In my mind, I think Shane remembered me playing the song in the car. That he downloaded the album at some point because he wasn't really a "singles" kind of guy. He would have listened to the entire album, from start to finish, because that's what Shane did with every album he ever purchased. And when he listened to the album or a song from it, he thought of me, because I think of him every time I listen to a song that he brought me to.

That could all be a lie that I made up to make myself feel closer to my brother. But, it could also be a fact that makes me feel closer to my brother. I'll never know for sure which one it is, but I know now that every time I listen to "Kids," I will think of Shane.

Gold Star Family License Plate, Part II

I have taken the time to draft sample letters that can easily be sent to your Michigan State Senator or Representative. Please feel free to modify these letters in any way you wish, and do not forget to include the name of the Senator or Representative to whom you are sending the letter. Simply copy and paste the appropriate letter into a Word document and modify as you see fit.


TO A MICHIGAN STATE SENATOR

Senator,

I am writing in regards to Senate Bill 0102, which seeks to amend M.C.L. 257.803e to authorize that "[t]he spouse, parent, sibling, or child of a member of the Armed Services who died during combat may make application to the Secretary of State for a special registration plate that shall be inscribed with special identification numbers preceded by a gold star and shall have the words "Gold Star Family" inscribed beneath the registration number." 

Please help ensure that Senate Bill 0102 is passed this term. As a Michigan citizen, I was appalled to learn that our state is one of only four states that does not have a license plate acknowledging Gold Star Families. This is especially saddening when one takes into account that 1,456 Michigan citizens were casualties of the Korean War, 2,652 Michigan citizens were casualties of the Vietnam War, 13 Michigan citizens were casualties of Operation Desert Storm, 158 Michigan citizens were casualties of Operation Iraqi Freedom, and 40 Michigan citizens were casualties of Operation Enduring Freedom thus far. This adds up to at least 4,319Michigan citizens who have given their lives so that the rest of us may remain free. 

Those 4,319 Michigan Armed Services members all likely left behind families. And these families are not given the opportunity to honor their loved ones in a public manner with a special license plate. If, according to the Michigan Department of State website, Michigan citizens are given access to 4 standard plates, 24 fundraising plates, 25 veteran/military service plates, 60 collector plates, historical plates, and authentic plates, why should Gold Star Families not be given a special license plate acknowledging their families’ sacrifice? Allowing for a Gold Star Family license plate not only gives the family itself a chance to honor their hero, but also gives the public at large a visible reminder that our freedom is not free.

So, Senator, I urge you to do the right thing and vote in favor of passing Senate Bill 0102 this term.

Thank you,

 _______________________________________________________________________

TO A MICHIGAN STATE REPRESENTATIVE

 

Representative,

I am writing in regards to House Bill 4088, which seeks to amend M.C.L. 257.803e to authorize that "[t]he spouse, parent, sibling, or child of a member of the Armed Services who died during combat may make application to the Secretary of State for a special registration plate that shall be inscribed with special identification numbers preceded by a gold star and shall have the words "Gold Star Family" inscribed beneath the registration number." 

Please help ensure that House Bill 4088 is passed this term. As a Michigan citizen, I was appalled to learn that our state is one of only four states that does not have a license plate acknowledging Gold Star Families. This is especially saddening when one takes into account that 1,456 Michigan citizens were casualties of the Korean War, 2,652 Michigan citizens were casualties of the Vietnam War, 13 Michigan citizens were casualties of Operation Desert Storm, 158 Michigan citizens were casualties of Operation Iraqi Freedom, and 40 Michigan citizens were casualties of Operation Enduring Freedom thus far. This adds up to at least 4,319 Michigan citizens who have given their lives so that the rest of us may remain free. 

Those 4,319 Michigan Armed Services members all likely left behind families. And these families are not given the opportunity to honor their loved ones in a public manner with a special license plate. If, according to the Michigan Department of State website, Michigan citizens are given access to 4 standard plates, 24 fundraising plates, 25 veteran/military service plates, 60 collector plates, historical plates, and authentic plates, why should Gold Star Families not be given a special license plate acknowledging their families’ sacrifice? Allowing for a Gold Star Family license plate not only gives the family itself a chance to honor their hero, but also gives the public at large a visible reminder that our freedom is not free.

So, Representative, I urge you to do the right thing and vote in favor of passing House Bill 4088 this term.

Thank you,

 _______________________________________________________________________

Photo Sunday

Shane, playing with puppies in the front yard, circa 1995.

Gold Star Family License Plate, Part I

After Shane's death, my family and I immediately began hearing about how we were now a "Gold Star Family." My dad is a Gold Star Dad. My mom is a Gold Star Mom. And I am a Gold Star Sibling/Sister. At first, I had no idea what this meant and did not really care. But now, being in a Gold Star Family is something very close to my heart.

A member of a Gold Star Family is any member of the immediate family of a person who died in a combat zone while a member of any branch of the armed services. It is the reason why, for those who know me, I wear my Gold Star lapel pin.

It is also why my family has a Gold Star Service Flag hanging in the window of our home.

I recently learned about Gold Star License Plates. These plates remind the general public of the great sacrifice that men and women have made for our country in a very open and public way. According to American Gold Star Mothers, Inc., all but four states have Gold Star Family License Plates, and Michigan happens to be one of the four that does not. I was deeply saddened to learn this. Especially because

• 1,456 Michigan citizens were casualties of the Korean War
• 2,652 Michigan citizens were casualties of the Viet Nam War
• 13 Michigan citizens were casualties of Operation Desert Storm
• 158 Michigan citizens were casualties of Operation Iraqi Freedom
• 40 Michigan citizens, including my brother, were casualties of Operation Enduring Freedom

That means, in the state of Michigan alone, 4,319 families have been affected by the casualties of war.

Last term, bills creating a Gold Star License Plate were introduced in the Michigan House and Senate, but failed.

This year, the identical Senate Bill 0102 (SB0102) and House Bill 4088 (HB4088) have been introduced to again attempt to amend Michigan Compiled Law 257.803e to authorize 

"The spouse, parent, sibling, or child of a member of the Armed Services who died during combat may make application to the Secretary of State for a special registration plate that shall be inscribed with special identification numbers preceded by a gold star and shall have the words "Gold Star Family" inscribed beneath the registration number." 

I do not plan on doing nothing and will do my part to make sure that these bills do not fail again. They have both been referred to the Committee on Transportation, but citizens of Michigan need to persuade their Senators and Representatives to vote in favor of the bills. If you are interested in telling your elected officials that the passing of SB0102 and HB4088 is important to you, please contact them, as I plan on doing. Click the links below to find which district you live in and the street and email addresses of all 110 Michigan Representatives and all 38 Michigan Senators. 

District Map 
Michigan State Representatives
Michigan State Senators



If you would like to send a letter, CLICK HERE for sample letters to send to a state senator or representative.

Final Words

My birthday is November 1, and I got the only thing that I wanted for my birthday -- a phone call from Shane. Shane rarely called his family when he was deployed. It was very difficult to not be able to hear his voice all the time, but that was how he wanted it. He said that calling and talking was just too difficult for him and we respected that, even though it hurt immensely. But I was able to hear the sound of his voice just five days before he was killed.

I don't really remember what we talked about because I was just so excited to be hearing Shane's voice on the other end of the phone. He sounded so old on the phone and definitely not like my "baby" brother anymore. But I do remember the end of our conversation.

"Well, Bethie, I gotta go, my time's up."


"Okay, Buddy. Thank you for calling it was the best present that I got!"


"Love you, Bethie."


"Love you too, Buddy! Stay safe!"

Not a day goes by that I don't think about Shane. But something I never have to think about are regrets with him. I always told him I loved him every single time we talked or texted or messaged. And he told me that he loved me, too. I always told Shane everything I was feeling, for better or for worse, and I think he did the same with me. That meant that sometimes we fought. But I think it also meant that we loved each other more because our love for each other was honest.

Would I like the chance to tell him that I loved him one more time? Of course. But I don't feel that I missed out on any opportunities to do so.

I think it all goes back to when we were kids. Our parents would never let us go to bed angry with one another, because you never knew what could happen before the morning came. While it would be five more mornings before Shane was killed from the last time we spoke, I like to think that our love for one another lasted those 5 more mornings, and will have to continue to last me for the rest of my life.