"Time heals all wounds" is a popular saying. I used to believe that it was true. Any heartbreak that I had, any mistake that I made, any bad day was always made better with time. Sometimes it would take days or weeks to make whatever wound I had to start to heal, but the wound would always start to scab over.
This time, though, nothing. Time isn't healing anything. My wounds are just as open as they were the day that Shane was killed. They're slightly different wounds, but they still hurt like hell.
Part of me wants to forget about Shane for just a few minutes. To find a place where he hasn't been, a song that he hasn't heard, a meal he hasn't eaten. Even if I were to find a new location, I couldn't get rid of Shane if I tried because he permeates every part of my brain. And then another part of me just feels immense guilt for thinking such thoughts. And then the cycle repeats.
I suppose that time has allowed me to cope with Shane's death. But coping with something and having something healed are two completely different things. I know that I've become better at coping. But I haven't started healing. And part of me thinks that I never will.
Pfc Shane M. Reifert
Shane during a sweep of the Shuryak Valley, approximately 3 weeks before he was killed. Photo Credit: PFC Sean Stromback
I think "healing" just means that you can start to live slighty normally again. That you can get up, and not dread the day. That you can think of the loved one that passed, and smile at the memories rather than cry. The hole in your heart will always be there, that will never heal. You lost a big part of your life, and Shane took up a large space in your heart. You don't want that space to heal over, it is there for a reason. In time, things will get easier, but it will take months, maybe even years. Never feel guilty for any of the feelings you are having. Grief is one of the strongest emotions we have. There is no wrong or right way to do it. Stay strong, and continued prayers for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteIt won't take months. Years. Many, many years. Then it will feel better. Never totally healed, but better. Trust me. In the meantime, it hurts more than anyone could ever imagine. Just make sure to take good care of yourself during the journey.
ReplyDeleteI used to hate when people would say that to me...."it gets better with time". What I've learned is that while the wound will heal, there will always be a scar. It's like the cut on my right knee that never went away. No matter how much Neosporin I used that gash was still there. Granted, it's not as ugly as it was the day I fell down, but it's something I notice nonetheless.
ReplyDeleteJust know that eventually, it won't hurt as bad... and for the rest of your life a part of Shane lives in you! :-)