A Letter to Shane

Hi Buddy,

I just finished watching the first season of Rescue Me. Now I know why you liked it so much. The characters are all real people and they have lots of problems with imperfect lives, just like the rest of us, but maybe with more drinking on the show. Maybe not, depending on whose lives we're talking about. 

I went shopping today for Mom and Dad's Christmas presents and I kind of pretended that you were with me today, but that maybe you just kept leaving the room that I was in a few seconds before I entered. You helped me pick out some good stuff, though, and I think Mom and Dad will like what we got for them. It was tough going Christmas shopping without you. I really wish you would have been there but I understand why you couldn't be. I guess that you were with me in spirit and that's what mattered. 


There are so many things that I wish I could tell you right now. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking around all filled up with secrets that I can only tell to you. And I guess I could write them to you in a letter or talk to you before I go to bed at night or something, but it's just not the same. I know that I'm surrounded by a bunch of people who love and care about me, but it's just not the same without you here. You knew me better than I knew myself most days, and I just want to talk to you and have you tell me things I might already know in my heart but am too afraid to admit to myself. 


Christmas is coming. I've been told that the holidays are going to be pretty rough from some reputable sources who have gone through things like this. Even if you were alive, you wouldn't be here, you'd be in Afghanistan. So maybe it won't be such a big deal. But that's probably just me kidding myself. 


I don't know where you are. Maybe you're nowhere. Maybe you're everywhere. I guess that I'm just trying to say that today was a rough day and that I miss you a lot right now. 

I love you, buddy. 




FFBS.

Untitled.

I was rereading some of my old messages with Shane and wanted to share this one from back in June.


To: Elizabeth Reifert
From: Shane Reifert
Date: June 24, 2010
Time: 2:46 p.m.

So I'm guessing you're pretty busy lately which is a good thing for you. You're always happier when you have just a little too much on your plate. I'm probably going to be out of touch for a little bit, we'll see. Its 2300 here, I can't sleep. I'm noticing its becoming a bit of a problem for 2 reasons. One, I simply need my sleep, and two, its the fastest time that passes here.

A memory resurfaced today. Me and you going to get a hot n ready from little caesars back at mom and dad's. I miss the simple times, and I think if I let myself I'd probably tear up typing that. I think its funny what we retain. But I do miss that kind of stuff, especially because then we'd usually watch a movie or do something together.

A different time.

My souls getting heavy. I think I'm telling you this because you know what its like to be weighed down on the inside. I love you Bethie.


To: Shane Reifert
From: Elizabeth Reifert
Date: June 24, 2010
Time: 2:56 p.m.

hey buddy,

it says that you're online but i don't think that you really are. i'm at work right now, reading about sex offenders. gwoss.

i was going to message you last night but my internet was down. we had a really bad storm.

i do know what it's like to be weighed down on the inside. you just have to remember that no matter how much you feel as if you are underneath a rock, eventually it will get better. you have to believe that, otherwise it's like the nothing in the neverending story.

i wish i had something to make you sleep. i'd send you some sleepy pills but i know you aren't allowed to have them.

you'll be home to have bad pizza with me soon enough.

i love you, shane michael.

Untitled.

Shane mostly corresponded with everyone back home through Facebook messages. I was re-reading some of the messages we had exchanged, and I wanted to share a message that I sent to him right after he deployed to Afghanistan. I am sharing this so that others know what families experience when their soldier deploys, and what a soldier feels as he is about to begin fighting in a war.

From: Elizabeth Reifert

To: Shane Reifert

Date: May 8, 2010

Time: 1:23 p.m.

i don't know how often you will have the internet. but you were right i guess about me not really dealing with the fact that you will be gone for up to a year. i guess i hadn't really noticed because i had had people around me for the last few nights and didn't even have to sleep alone because there were just friends here and i didn't have to think about anything. but then last night i was all by myself. i didn't have any school work. there wasn't even anything really on tv. and it was just kind of sad and lonely. and then this morning i made the mistake of watching an episode of the pacific on hbo and i just cried and cried like a big baby. so i guess i won't be watching any more of that. although it was really good.

i think about you being in the desert. in a place that is unfamiliar and strange. i have no idea what you are going through. or what you are about to go through. i know that you won't be the same person when you come back from all of this. i don't think you could go through being through a war and not be changed. i know it will change me and everyone else who you hold in your heart, as well. but i can't imagine what it will be like for you.

this isn't a very uplifting email. i wish it was. i'm sorry. 

Click "Read More" to see Shane's response to me.