Surrounded by Love

Sometimes, when you're in a really low place, it helps to pull your head up, look around, and realize that you are surrounded by love. You can't always see the love. It's easy to shut it out or ignore it. But it's there. 

I find that I shut this love out a lot, especially when I'm in those really low places. I've closed up my heart and don't let anyone or anything in, because love can cause a lot of pain. Today, I forced myself to open my heart up just a little bit. Because I was feeling rather raw and broken. Because yesterday was a shit day. Because sometimes you have to reach those really low places in order to start building yourself back up again. Because keeping my heart closed all the time is actually a tremendous amount of work when there are so many people in this world who have love for me. 

I read what I've written and think, that doesn't sound like you. That sounds like it was written by someone you would probably make fun of for being a sap. But it's how I feel today. And it's how I wish I felt most days. I didn't end up finding the strength in my heart where Shane told me it would be. I found it in other people's hearts. And it was more than enough to keep me going until tomorrow.

"When your strength fails, take some of mine. It will be in your heart when you need it." -Shane Reifert

"When your strength fails, take some of mine. It will be in your heart when you need it." 

Shane wrote this to me in a letter when he was still going through Basic. I had it inscribed on a set of dog tags that I wear when I'm having a particularly rough day or need a bit of luck. It's one of the most beautiful things anyone has ever said to me, and I'm glad it came from my brother. Most of the time, it works. Whenever I think I'm having a rough day, or someone isn't being very nice to me, or I have a list of things I need to do longer than I can count, I repeat Shane's words to myself and I think about him and what he would say to me. I think about all of the rough days that he had in Basic and in Afghanistan. I think about how much of a strong person he was for doing what he did with his life.

Then I usually tell myself to stop feeling so sorry for myself and to accomplish whatever I need to accomplish, and things are fine. Today is one of those days where I have to keep saying that over and over to myself and I can't seem to find any strength left. 

I've been having a pity party for one all day and no matter how many times I look for Shane's strength in my heart, I can't seem to find any. People tell me how strong I am. But I feel weak all the time -- like I've been living off of fake strength for the past four months and maybe reality is finally starting to catch up.