"I thought this wouldn't hurt a lot, I guess not"

Shane and I are driving in the car somewhere. I am driving, like always, because Shane doesn't like to drive. He is sitting in the passenger seat. I declare that it's my turn to pick some music. 


I put on one of my favorite songs, "Kids" by MGMT. Shane has never heard this song, as far as I am aware. At the time, I've never heard the song played on the radio. 


The first 15 seconds or so of the song play. I'm nervous for Shane's opinion because I'm sharing a song that means something to me.


"What is this? More of your terrible world music?"


My heart sinks. 


"Oh, come on! This is my favorite song. It's good! It's MGMT! And it's not world music."

"I don't know; I think it's more of your world music that you try to get me to listen to."


"Fine you don't have to like it but I'm listening to the whole song."


Shane had hurt my feelings without knowing that he had done so. Granted, I didn't write or perform the song. But it really meant something to me and I wanted the song to mean something to Shane, too. It was the sort of song that I could listen to while laying in the grass on a sunny day, looking at clouds and thinking about absolutely nothing.

*          *          *          *          *

I find myself in the car again. I am driving alone, like always. Well over a year has past since Shane and I listened to "Kids" in the car.

I had grabbed Shane's ipod off of the table before I left the house and I'm listening to that on shuffle. Some of the songs are familiar. Some I've never heard. Some are too violent. Some make me too sad. There's a lot of skipping around while I'm driving. A few songs have played, but nothing of note, and I'm on the expressway. A familiar intro comes on, one with the sound of children's voices, and my eyes immediately well up to the point that a normal person might consider pulling over. But I've gotten so used to crying in the car that it seems almost unnatural to not cry. The song is "Kids," by MGMT. A song that Shane called my "terrible world music." And it's on Shane's ipod.

What does this mean, I ask myself. Why is it on Shane's ipod? Did he like the song? Why would it be on his ipod if he didn't like it?

I'll never get the answers to any of my questions. I'll never know why Shane had "Kids" on his ipod. I know that he purchased the song -- the entire album it's on, actually -- but that's all I know. In my mind, I think Shane remembered me playing the song in the car. That he downloaded the album at some point because he wasn't really a "singles" kind of guy. He would have listened to the entire album, from start to finish, because that's what Shane did with every album he ever purchased. And when he listened to the album or a song from it, he thought of me, because I think of him every time I listen to a song that he brought me to.

That could all be a lie that I made up to make myself feel closer to my brother. But, it could also be a fact that makes me feel closer to my brother. I'll never know for sure which one it is, but I know now that every time I listen to "Kids," I will think of Shane.

Gold Star Family License Plate, Part II

I have taken the time to draft sample letters that can easily be sent to your Michigan State Senator or Representative. Please feel free to modify these letters in any way you wish, and do not forget to include the name of the Senator or Representative to whom you are sending the letter. Simply copy and paste the appropriate letter into a Word document and modify as you see fit.


TO A MICHIGAN STATE SENATOR

Senator,

I am writing in regards to Senate Bill 0102, which seeks to amend M.C.L. 257.803e to authorize that "[t]he spouse, parent, sibling, or child of a member of the Armed Services who died during combat may make application to the Secretary of State for a special registration plate that shall be inscribed with special identification numbers preceded by a gold star and shall have the words "Gold Star Family" inscribed beneath the registration number." 

Please help ensure that Senate Bill 0102 is passed this term. As a Michigan citizen, I was appalled to learn that our state is one of only four states that does not have a license plate acknowledging Gold Star Families. This is especially saddening when one takes into account that 1,456 Michigan citizens were casualties of the Korean War, 2,652 Michigan citizens were casualties of the Vietnam War, 13 Michigan citizens were casualties of Operation Desert Storm, 158 Michigan citizens were casualties of Operation Iraqi Freedom, and 40 Michigan citizens were casualties of Operation Enduring Freedom thus far. This adds up to at least 4,319Michigan citizens who have given their lives so that the rest of us may remain free. 

Those 4,319 Michigan Armed Services members all likely left behind families. And these families are not given the opportunity to honor their loved ones in a public manner with a special license plate. If, according to the Michigan Department of State website, Michigan citizens are given access to 4 standard plates, 24 fundraising plates, 25 veteran/military service plates, 60 collector plates, historical plates, and authentic plates, why should Gold Star Families not be given a special license plate acknowledging their families’ sacrifice? Allowing for a Gold Star Family license plate not only gives the family itself a chance to honor their hero, but also gives the public at large a visible reminder that our freedom is not free.

So, Senator, I urge you to do the right thing and vote in favor of passing Senate Bill 0102 this term.

Thank you,

 _______________________________________________________________________

TO A MICHIGAN STATE REPRESENTATIVE

 

Representative,

I am writing in regards to House Bill 4088, which seeks to amend M.C.L. 257.803e to authorize that "[t]he spouse, parent, sibling, or child of a member of the Armed Services who died during combat may make application to the Secretary of State for a special registration plate that shall be inscribed with special identification numbers preceded by a gold star and shall have the words "Gold Star Family" inscribed beneath the registration number." 

Please help ensure that House Bill 4088 is passed this term. As a Michigan citizen, I was appalled to learn that our state is one of only four states that does not have a license plate acknowledging Gold Star Families. This is especially saddening when one takes into account that 1,456 Michigan citizens were casualties of the Korean War, 2,652 Michigan citizens were casualties of the Vietnam War, 13 Michigan citizens were casualties of Operation Desert Storm, 158 Michigan citizens were casualties of Operation Iraqi Freedom, and 40 Michigan citizens were casualties of Operation Enduring Freedom thus far. This adds up to at least 4,319 Michigan citizens who have given their lives so that the rest of us may remain free. 

Those 4,319 Michigan Armed Services members all likely left behind families. And these families are not given the opportunity to honor their loved ones in a public manner with a special license plate. If, according to the Michigan Department of State website, Michigan citizens are given access to 4 standard plates, 24 fundraising plates, 25 veteran/military service plates, 60 collector plates, historical plates, and authentic plates, why should Gold Star Families not be given a special license plate acknowledging their families’ sacrifice? Allowing for a Gold Star Family license plate not only gives the family itself a chance to honor their hero, but also gives the public at large a visible reminder that our freedom is not free.

So, Representative, I urge you to do the right thing and vote in favor of passing House Bill 4088 this term.

Thank you,

 _______________________________________________________________________

Photo Sunday

Shane, playing with puppies in the front yard, circa 1995.

Gold Star Family License Plate, Part I

After Shane's death, my family and I immediately began hearing about how we were now a "Gold Star Family." My dad is a Gold Star Dad. My mom is a Gold Star Mom. And I am a Gold Star Sibling/Sister. At first, I had no idea what this meant and did not really care. But now, being in a Gold Star Family is something very close to my heart.

A member of a Gold Star Family is any member of the immediate family of a person who died in a combat zone while a member of any branch of the armed services. It is the reason why, for those who know me, I wear my Gold Star lapel pin.

It is also why my family has a Gold Star Service Flag hanging in the window of our home.

I recently learned about Gold Star License Plates. These plates remind the general public of the great sacrifice that men and women have made for our country in a very open and public way. According to American Gold Star Mothers, Inc., all but four states have Gold Star Family License Plates, and Michigan happens to be one of the four that does not. I was deeply saddened to learn this. Especially because

• 1,456 Michigan citizens were casualties of the Korean War
• 2,652 Michigan citizens were casualties of the Viet Nam War
• 13 Michigan citizens were casualties of Operation Desert Storm
• 158 Michigan citizens were casualties of Operation Iraqi Freedom
• 40 Michigan citizens, including my brother, were casualties of Operation Enduring Freedom

That means, in the state of Michigan alone, 4,319 families have been affected by the casualties of war.

Last term, bills creating a Gold Star License Plate were introduced in the Michigan House and Senate, but failed.

This year, the identical Senate Bill 0102 (SB0102) and House Bill 4088 (HB4088) have been introduced to again attempt to amend Michigan Compiled Law 257.803e to authorize 

"The spouse, parent, sibling, or child of a member of the Armed Services who died during combat may make application to the Secretary of State for a special registration plate that shall be inscribed with special identification numbers preceded by a gold star and shall have the words "Gold Star Family" inscribed beneath the registration number." 

I do not plan on doing nothing and will do my part to make sure that these bills do not fail again. They have both been referred to the Committee on Transportation, but citizens of Michigan need to persuade their Senators and Representatives to vote in favor of the bills. If you are interested in telling your elected officials that the passing of SB0102 and HB4088 is important to you, please contact them, as I plan on doing. Click the links below to find which district you live in and the street and email addresses of all 110 Michigan Representatives and all 38 Michigan Senators. 

District Map 
Michigan State Representatives
Michigan State Senators



If you would like to send a letter, CLICK HERE for sample letters to send to a state senator or representative.

Final Words

My birthday is November 1, and I got the only thing that I wanted for my birthday -- a phone call from Shane. Shane rarely called his family when he was deployed. It was very difficult to not be able to hear his voice all the time, but that was how he wanted it. He said that calling and talking was just too difficult for him and we respected that, even though it hurt immensely. But I was able to hear the sound of his voice just five days before he was killed.

I don't really remember what we talked about because I was just so excited to be hearing Shane's voice on the other end of the phone. He sounded so old on the phone and definitely not like my "baby" brother anymore. But I do remember the end of our conversation.

"Well, Bethie, I gotta go, my time's up."


"Okay, Buddy. Thank you for calling it was the best present that I got!"


"Love you, Bethie."


"Love you too, Buddy! Stay safe!"

Not a day goes by that I don't think about Shane. But something I never have to think about are regrets with him. I always told him I loved him every single time we talked or texted or messaged. And he told me that he loved me, too. I always told Shane everything I was feeling, for better or for worse, and I think he did the same with me. That meant that sometimes we fought. But I think it also meant that we loved each other more because our love for each other was honest.

Would I like the chance to tell him that I loved him one more time? Of course. But I don't feel that I missed out on any opportunities to do so.

I think it all goes back to when we were kids. Our parents would never let us go to bed angry with one another, because you never knew what could happen before the morning came. While it would be five more mornings before Shane was killed from the last time we spoke, I like to think that our love for one another lasted those 5 more mornings, and will have to continue to last me for the rest of my life.

There are Different Ways a Soldier can Come Home

Shane's brothers-in-arms are coming home soon. I'm happy that they're coming home safely. On Facebook, I see a lot of updates from the men themselves, their wives, and family. All of these updates are happy, as they should be. Their loved ones are coming home.

But.

My brother came home in a box.

"My Heart's Been Broke For A While; Your's Been The One Keepin' Me Alive"

Shane-o, if you were alive I would tell you about this song or send it to you. I don't know if you would like it or not, but I have a feeling that you would. So I'm leaving it here for you, because I don't have anywhere else to leave it.

RIP Nate Dogg

Nate Dogg died today. Shane really liked him a lot. Maybe, if there's a heaven or some other magic-fun-place, Nate Dogg is putting on a concert and Shane is in the audience.

Whale Songs

We were driving on the expressway somewhere. Maybe to a relative's house or out to dinner. We were in Michigan in the summertime, so obviously there was roadwork being done. This was the kind of roadwork that involved lane shifts and the possibility of driving over the groove patches on the shoulder that are designed to keep drivers from drifting. We happened to be in one of the temporary lanes that involved driving over those grooves. I became increasingly agitated. 

"AHHHK! That noise is really awful and driving me insane," I whined. 

"Calm down, Bethie," Shane said to me, in the voice he saved for instances in which he was being particularly compassionate. "It's just a noise."

"It hurts my ears and Ijustwantittostop."

I had let the noise seep into my brain. I felt my anxiety raise with each groove patch the car went over. 

"I know," Shane said, "But if you just think of it as being something else, then it won't bother you so much."

"NOTHING else sounds like that. It's terrible and miserable."

"I always think of it as whale songs. And if you think about it being whales talking to one another, it's really not so bad."

I was irate, but suddenly calmer. He was right and had completely beaten any argument that I might have had. So, in a rare instance, I shut my mouth. And I listened to the whale songs.

I don't remember exactly when that conversation took place. I think it was before Shane was even openly talking about joining the Army. But it's something that I've always kept with me. The groove patches still grate on my nerves, but whenever I hear them for an extended period of time, I think of Shane and his perspective. It was an odd thing for him to think, in my opinion, because I never really viewed Shane as being an optimist until that time. He, much like myself, was his own worst enemy, and was harder on himself than anyone else in the world. Up until that conversation in the car, I would have coined him a pessimist. But that day, my perspective of my brother completely changed. I had always considered Shane to be a very unique person, but his world view was one that I have truly never encountered before and one that I believe I would have finding now. I suppose that is part of what makes him being gone so difficult -- knowing that I won't ever find anyone who compares groove patches to whale songs.

It's still very much winter. Even though it rained this morning, this evening it's snowing again. On my drive home, I thought about the groove patches and about spring and summer and the almost certainty of roadwork. And I look forward to being stuck in a makeshift lane, driving over groove patches. Listening to whale songs. Feeling like I'm in the car with my brother again.

Surrounded by Love

Sometimes, when you're in a really low place, it helps to pull your head up, look around, and realize that you are surrounded by love. You can't always see the love. It's easy to shut it out or ignore it. But it's there. 

I find that I shut this love out a lot, especially when I'm in those really low places. I've closed up my heart and don't let anyone or anything in, because love can cause a lot of pain. Today, I forced myself to open my heart up just a little bit. Because I was feeling rather raw and broken. Because yesterday was a shit day. Because sometimes you have to reach those really low places in order to start building yourself back up again. Because keeping my heart closed all the time is actually a tremendous amount of work when there are so many people in this world who have love for me. 

I read what I've written and think, that doesn't sound like you. That sounds like it was written by someone you would probably make fun of for being a sap. But it's how I feel today. And it's how I wish I felt most days. I didn't end up finding the strength in my heart where Shane told me it would be. I found it in other people's hearts. And it was more than enough to keep me going until tomorrow.

"When your strength fails, take some of mine. It will be in your heart when you need it." -Shane Reifert

"When your strength fails, take some of mine. It will be in your heart when you need it." 

Shane wrote this to me in a letter when he was still going through Basic. I had it inscribed on a set of dog tags that I wear when I'm having a particularly rough day or need a bit of luck. It's one of the most beautiful things anyone has ever said to me, and I'm glad it came from my brother. Most of the time, it works. Whenever I think I'm having a rough day, or someone isn't being very nice to me, or I have a list of things I need to do longer than I can count, I repeat Shane's words to myself and I think about him and what he would say to me. I think about all of the rough days that he had in Basic and in Afghanistan. I think about how much of a strong person he was for doing what he did with his life.

Then I usually tell myself to stop feeling so sorry for myself and to accomplish whatever I need to accomplish, and things are fine. Today is one of those days where I have to keep saying that over and over to myself and I can't seem to find any strength left. 

I've been having a pity party for one all day and no matter how many times I look for Shane's strength in my heart, I can't seem to find any. People tell me how strong I am. But I feel weak all the time -- like I've been living off of fake strength for the past four months and maybe reality is finally starting to catch up. 

4 Months

From Post Secret:

 
Miss you, buddy. Every single day.

Member of the 1-327 Killed in Action

Please keep the family and friends of Specialist Brian Tabada, of the 1st Battalion, 327th Infantry Regiment, 1st Brigade Combat Team, 101st Airborne Division, in your thoughts. 

According to the Department of Defense, Specialist Tabada, of Las Vegas, Nevada, was killed in action on February 27, 2011, while fighting in the Kunar Province, Afghanistan. He died as a result of wounds suffered when insurgents attacked his unit using small arms fire and a rocket propelled grenade. 

He was only 21.
 

Redacted

Reading a death report from the Army is like playing the worst game of Mad Libs you can imagine.

There are no nouns. No names of characters. No places. No times. Just cold details and multiple versions of the same exact thing, signed with signatures that have all been redacted, labeled like exhibits for a trial in which no one will ever be charged. So much the same exact thing, that there is no way it's what the writers of those different versions actually remember. I've read enough police and eyewitness reports to know that it's impossible for 30 people to remember something taking place in the same exact way. The human brain just doesn't work that way.

I am in no way suggesting that this indicates any kind of fraud or deception. The report has to read this way because most people would probably infer that different stories indicates some kind of fraud of deception. And a part of me does understand why I was forced to play a terrible game of Mad Libs. But the rest of me thinks that I've gone through enough pain as part of the aftermath of Shane's death that I should just get to read the real report, just one time, so that my brain doesn't have to play mental gymnastics to make sense of document with redaction after redaction.