I didn’t realize it until now, but today is the first day that I have had a chance to truly mourn Shane. Up until today, my family and I have been busy with paperwork, funeral home arrangements, funeral arrangements, burial arrangements, receiving 100s of messages, letters, and phone calls, etc. Today, there are still some cards in the mail and, as I lay in Shane’s bed typing this, I can hear the phone still ringing. But that’s the thing. I’m in bed. I cannot bring myself to shower. I cannot bring myself to change my clothes. I feel the emptiness and darkness consuming my heart and now my mind. And these things – the emptiness, the darkness – are what comfort me today.
Right now, I have no desire to be happy. I want the emptiness and the darkness to stay with me for the time being. Not forever, but until I’m ready to tell them to go. I have had very dark moments in my life before this. But those dark moments were with my inner demons and something that I had the power to conquer. They were things that would pass, that I could tuck into the back of my mind. Before Shane’s death, whenever I felt weak, I would think how I overcame my dark moments and how I wasn’t going back to that place.
This dark moment, this new place, this one I am powerless against. I cannot summon my inner strength to make everything go away. I cannot take a pill to balance my seratonin levels and norepinephrine levels because that’s not really what Shane’s death is about. There is no pill which, after 4-6 weeks of proper usage, will make me feel like normal people feel. Because I am no longer capable of feeling normal. Shane’s death has forever marked me.
In the Jewish faith, a practice known as shiva performed when someone dies.Those within 7 degrees of the decreased mourn for 7 days, they cannot bathe or change their clothes, among many other restrictions.
As I lie in Shane’s bed, surrounded by all of the little things he felt were important enough to have in his life, I feel as if I am practicing my own form of shiva. I do not want to change my clothes. I do not want to eat. I do not want to move. I do not want to listen to anything but sad music. I want to peel my skin off. I want to scream but do not have the energy. I want to somehow be consumed by the sheets and blanks and pillows, to be surrounded by safeness and the quiet. I want to disappear.
So I will continue to mourn. I know this mourning will not last forever, but I am holding on to it tightly until it ends.
Dear Beth,
ReplyDeleteI think what you have decided to do to mourn Shane is the best way there is. I remember taking a sleeping bag that belonged to Carm and covering up on the couch. Whenever the phone rang or anyone came to see me, I pulled the bag over my head and pretended to sleep so no one would bother me in my sadness. I can't remember how long I did it but it was something I had to do to get through. ML
Keep something of Shane's that has his smell on it and when you feel the need to be close or need to release emotion use it to bring him to you. Sounds weird but it truly helps.
ReplyDeleteI know there is no way for me to help you through this. There is also no way for me to be able to relate to this terrible event in your life. Each individual has to come to grips with something like this in their own way. I hope you get through this time in your life as best as possible. Know that Shane will live on through your memories and those around you.
ReplyDeleteIt's been exactly 15 months since I was told that my brother was killed in Afghanistan. What you are feeling is how I feel on many days... even still. I still cry, I still pull over when I hear his song on the radio and I still wear his T-shirts. Nothing will change how much love you have for him and don't listen to anyone when they say that you have mourned enough... it will never be enough in my opinion. I will forever honor him and I will never let others forget!!! Continue to do what you do. He is watching over you. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteJEssica - sister to fallen soldier SGT Paul E Dumont JR. 8-19-09
Hugs for you. You grieve and cope however you need to. There is no right or wrong way. And there is no right amount of time. Take it day by day, and know that he lives on in you and everyone else who had the pleasure of knowing him. Our body is just a vessel, his loving spirit lives on. And he continues to love and look out for you.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny to me how closely people look at you while you are at the funeral home and at the funeral -juding what they have no idea about. Poeple making their determinations that she is not handling it well or she is such a mess or even look how strong she is-she is keeping herself so together. No one has a clue that it is the wrong time to be worried about that person. Those days are too busy with decision making-people pleasing-and really just going through the motions. It is the days and weeks to follow that you should be worried about-the days when there is nothing else to do but think of the one you just lost-to really realize that they aren't ever going to say that funny saying anymore-you're never going to hear that laugh when you need it most and all you do is just ache in every part of your body and soul. I heard someone at the funeral home say-she looks good, like she is handling things well and I instantly said-it isn't today or tomorrow that you have to worry about-is is later next week and the week after that-especially with the holidays coming up. The holidays will never be the holidays of joy and laughter ever again. They become a time when you have to make yourself find something good in them-but you can't always-you just can't and that's okay. Friends and family of Shane-please remember that's okay and don't anyone judge them if they don't find any happiness in the holiday-it's okay !
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