The in-between. It's what I call the time between first waking and actually being awake and cognizant. I relish the in-between every morning, even though it doesn't last very long. It's a time when nothing is really wrong, nothing is really right, everything is a little fuzzy.
Shane has been dead for 6 days. And for the past 6 mornings, for those few fleeting seconds in the in-between, I am in a world where Shane is alive. Far away and in a dangerous place, but alive and connected and eventually coming home. For a few seconds each morning, I feel Shane's presence in the in-between and everything is going to be alright.
And then, as quickly as it came, the in-between goes. Something yanks me back to reality, the in-between becomes distant and the realization of Shane's death becomes palpable.
I wish I could find a way to stay in that place for just a few seconds longer. I'm afraid of the morning that I wake up and he is not in the in-between.
But for now, he is there. And it is enough.
Pfc Shane M. Reifert
Shane during a sweep of the Shuryak Valley, approximately 3 weeks before he was killed. Photo Credit: PFC Sean Stromback
Dearest Beth,
ReplyDeleteYou are so eloquent that I am in awe. I have been in the in-between and I will tell you it will stay as long as you need it to. There will be anger, tears, sadness and nothing will ever be the same, I will not lie to you, but you will go on. You will go on because that is what Shane would want and what he would do in your shoes. The only consolation, and it will sustain you in the future, is that there are so many people out there that will never, ever have the wonderful memories you have of your brother and the closeness you shared. It will also make a difference in how you treat others and what you do with your life. Believe me when I say that he will always be with you, just talk to him and feel his presence, he is there. When I read what you have written about Shane it makes me know how very lucky I am to have taught you. M.Love
Beth, this is really beautiful. You are amazing and so strong - you and your family are really inspiring.
ReplyDeleteBeth
ReplyDeleteThere are so many feelings that you are going to experience. I'd like to tell you about them but I just don't know how. You see, I'm still experiencing them myself. Its been two years since we lost John and my emotions are still scattered everywhere from anger, sadness, tears and joy. The only constant is the in-between place you speak of. Shanes' presence will remain with you for as long as you need it to be. Even though there is this huge hole in my heart, I still feel my son's presence, sometimes its so strong, I'd swear he is right next to me. Hang on to that feeling, never let go! Believe me, Shane will always be with you, as my son is with me. Its called LOVE. You are an amazing young woman! God Bless you and your family. I'll visit your brother when I visit my son.
Proud mother of, PFC John T. Bishop, KIA 2008
1st Squadron, 32nd Cavalry,
1st Brigade Combat Team,
101st Airborne Division
Fort Campbell, Ky.