“Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death.”

I had an (almost) normal day today. I wore earrings and jeans instead of a pair of Shane's sweatpants and a hoodie. I went to school. I talked with some professors. Walked in the rain to lunch with two of my friends. Felt actual hunger. Ate food without feeling like I was going to vomit. Laughed at jokes because I thought they were funny, not because I was abiding by social cues. Talked on the phone with another friend without mentioning Shane. Actually studied for a final exam instead of pretending that shuffling through papers is sufficient. 

And now, as the day is coming to a close and I sit in my apartment alone, I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt over this almost normal day.  I feel guilty that I wasn't mourning all day. I feel guilty for not thinking of Shane non-stop. I feel guilty that I got to be alive today to have an almost normal day. I feel guilty for feeling guilty, because I know that Shane wouldn't want me to waste my time feeling this way. Shane always told me that I needed to stop worrying so much, that I needed to not be in my head so much. And I'm really trying to still follow his advice. But as I sit here, I find it impossible to follow. I recognize that I need to find a way to live an actual life without an overwhelming sense of guilt every night. But I also know that it's been less than a month since Shane was killed, and that for now, it's okay to feel guilty.

"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I am still trying to figure out how that could be."

- Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being of a Wallflower

I took this photograph during Family Day when Shane was going through Basic. At the time, it perfectly described our lives without saying a word. Back then, I was so sure about my life. And now I question everything. I want to metaphorically be back in those shoes but am unsure if that is even possible.

Donations Update

Today my dad shipped out the first of what will be many packages to the men of Bravo Company. It wasn't anything fancy -- shampoo, deodorant, jerky, candy, and baby wipes -- but it's a start. The packages will hopefully be arriving within the next 2-3 weeks. 

Stay tuned for what else all of your donations are able to purchase for Shane's brothers.We have received an unexpected amount of donations and know that Shane would be happy that even after his death he is able to help his brothers.

Vulnerable

vul·ner·a·ble \ adj \ˈvəl-n(ə-)rə-bəl 

1. capable of being physically or emotionally wounded 

2. open to attack or damage

Examples of VULNERABLE

1. She was very vulnerable after her brother died.
2. Her brother was in a vulnerable position when he was killed.
3. Her heart is now undefended and vulnerable.

"Kill Those Noobs!!" -- Shane Reifert

Before Shane joined the Army, he was very much a gamer. I can't count the number of times when we were both living at home that I would yell at him to keep it down as he laughed and screamed with his gaming buddies. Now I would do anything to hear him laughing in the backroom into the wee hours of the morning. Shane's gaming life was very much his own. He never met the men he gamed with but I knew that they had strong friendships with one another. I've contacted/been contacted by a number of his gaming friends, who all tell me how much Shane meant to them and how, even though they had never met, they considered Shane a friend and were deeply saddened by his death. I asked one of his friends, "Ody," to write something up on Shane and his time gaming. I displayed this, along with Shane's controller, headset, and some games, at the funeral home. This was a part of Shane's life that I was not a part of, so it was very comforting for me to hear Ody describe a part of Shane that I never knew:

I first met Shane, or "Swan" as we knew him, in the fall of 2005 while we were members of a large Call of Duty 2 clan called Gunners of War (GoW). We gamed together in that clan for a very short time, a few months at the most, but that is where a small group of guys (including Snipe, 2pies, Creeper, Kermit, and Hawk) were introduced to each other .  While all of our friendships started in that clan and it was a good time, it didn't fit what we saw as the ideal gaming experience. GoW was a large clan with over 100 members.  I think we were all looking for a more intimate gaming experience, a couple guys in a voice chat server, shooting the shit while playing and just screwing  around while still being competitive in leagues. We decided that a small group of us that played together more often than the rest was gonna leave and start our own clan later named  "Banana Police". By the way, Shane was a big advocate for that name... He loved it :)

Through many hours over many years of gaming together regardless of age differences of up to 10-15 years apart, we all had the games in common. People had their real life stuff from graduating high school and/or college, buying a house, having babies, getting married or even learning to drive a car for a couple younger guys!! Yet most nights we all ended our days playing a game together, laughing, shooting the shit, being jackasses, going into servers with douchebag admins who had goofy, strict rules  and seeing who could get kicked or banned first :) Shane was a pro at that, he knew how to get people going :)

People that have never gamed online with others may not be sympathetic about it because they can't understand, I have lost a real friend. Even though we never have met face to face, we knew a lot about each other. Together, us guys weren't just playing video games. We we talking about life.... stress, jobs, books, music, movies,our goals, our families, girls etc. It's like another family, things aren't always perfect but in the end we're all still there for each other. We got to know each other better than I know some of my friends that I see all the time.  Shane was a great friend and an incredible human being. He sacrificed his life so the rest of us could safely do the dumb shit we do everyday. I am honored to have known him and I am truly grateful for what he has done. He will never be forgotten. RIP SWaN

"Grief is itself a medicine." from William Cowper's "Charity"

I didn’t realize it until now, but today is the first day that I have had a chance to truly mourn Shane. Up until today, my family and I have been busy with paperwork, funeral home arrangements, funeral arrangements, burial arrangements, receiving 100s of messages, letters, and phone calls, etc. Today, there are still some cards in the mail and, as I lay in Shane’s bed typing this, I can hear the phone still ringing. But that’s the thing. I’m in bed. I cannot bring myself to shower. I cannot bring myself to change my clothes. I feel the emptiness and darkness consuming my heart and now my mind. And these things – the emptiness, the darkness – are what comfort me today. 

Right now, I have no desire to be happy. I want the emptiness and the darkness to stay with me for the time being. Not forever, but until I’m ready to tell them to go. I have had very dark moments in my life before this. But those dark moments were with my inner demons and something that I had the power to conquer. They were things that would pass, that I could tuck into the back of my mind. Before Shane’s death, whenever I felt weak, I would think how I overcame my dark moments and how I wasn’t going back to that place.

This dark moment, this new place, this one I am powerless against. I cannot summon my inner strength to make everything go away. I cannot take a pill to balance my seratonin levels and norepinephrine levels because that’s not really what Shane’s death is about. There is no pill which, after 4-6 weeks of proper usage, will make me feel like normal people feel. Because I am no longer capable of feeling normal. Shane’s death has forever marked me.

In the Jewish faith, a practice known as shiva performed when someone dies.Those within 7 degrees of the decreased mourn for 7 days, they cannot bathe or change their clothes, among many other restrictions.

As I lie in Shane’s bed, surrounded by all of the little things he felt were important enough to have in his life, I feel as if I am practicing my own form of shiva. I do not want to change my clothes. I do not want to eat. I do not want to move. I do not want to listen to anything but sad music. I want to peel my skin off. I want to scream but do not have the energy. I want to somehow be consumed by the sheets and blanks and pillows, to be surrounded by safeness and the quiet. I want to disappear.

So I will continue to mourn. I know this mourning will not last forever, but I am holding on to it tightly until it ends.

 

Shooting Match to be Held in Shane's Honor

Long before he joined the Army, Shane was a skilled marksman. He and my father would shoot together and competed in several matches together, typically performing quite well.  

The American Confederation of Tactical Shooters (ACTS) will be dedicating its December match to Shane and all proceeds will directly benefit his company. Please click the link below if you are interested in competing in the match. 

Memorial Match for Shane

More Soldiers Killed from 1-327

From the DOD:


Five men from Alpha Company of the 1-327 were killed in action on November 14, 2010.

            Spc. Shane H. Ahmed, 31, of Chesterfield, Mich.

            Spc. Nathan E. Lillard, 26, of Knoxville, Tenn.

            Spc. Scott T. Nagorski, 27, of Greenfield, Wis.

            Spc. Jesse A. Snow, 25, of Fairborn, Ohio.

            Pfc. Christian M. Warriner, 19, of Mills River, N.C.

According to The Long War Journal, a significant number of soldiers from Alpha Company were wounded. May those wounded make speedy and strong recoveries. 

When my mom heard that these 5 brave men died, she said, "That's five more sad families." That's something I never contemplated before Shane was killed. Before, whenever I heard that a solider had been K.I.A.ed, I would only think of the soldier and how the loss of his life was tragic. Now, however, I think beyond to the parents, siblings, wives, girlfriends, friends, and community of that soldier. I know that Shane's death affected many individuals -- even complete strangers -- and my heart aches for the many others will be affected by the deaths of the 5 brave men from Alpha Company. I know that the next couple weeks for the families of these soldiers will be a whirlwind, and I will keep them in my thoughts. 

   

Toe

It's Shane's funeral today. Also, I stubbed my toe getting into the shower. I felt guilty for feeling pain. I felt stupid for stubbing it in the first place. And I was reminded that life will eventually go on.

Funeral Home Phrases

Phrases that I never want to hear again:

• I'm so sorry for your loss.
• Things will get better.
• How are your parents? 
• How are you doing? 
• You are so strong.
• Let us know what you need.

Does this make me sound ungrateful to most of the people who attended the funeral home over the past 2 days? Absolutely. Am I really ungrateful? Definitely not; the outpouring of love and kindness has been overwhelming. But hearing these same phrases and questions on loop from family, friends, strangers, etc. mean that the questions and my responses begin to lack meaning. I felt like I was stuck on repeat. I know that everyone means well, but maybe we need to come up with some new funeral home catch phrases to mix things up.


The most meaningful comments were when I was told that this would not get easier, that it would get harder. That the pain never really goes away. That this sucks, is awful, etc. Or even silence.

I am exhausted after the past 2 days, and my family and I have 2 more long days ahead of us. I will write more after things have calmed down and I am able to get more than 2 hours of sleep a night.